Former Bully here

Bullies are real people that need love. I know that isn't the PC thing to say or feel but it is the truth. 

How do I know this you may ask yourself? Well, I am a former bully.

Growing up not only taller than all the girls in school and most of the boys was a good bully look. Add to that, the fact that my mom would bully me at home because she was mentally ill and It was like a puzzle piece fitting together. 

When things at home were especially messed up, the next day at school someone was going to feel my pain. I wasn't the type of kid to cry easily or in front of people. When I'm hurting both emotionally and physically, I can stuff it down and kind of go blank. Well, That is how it used to be for many years. 

I remember this one particular day. It started early like most days on the ranch where I grew up. There were chores to do and animals to feed before I even considered getting ready for school. This particular morning, I was 17 and a big bad senior in high school. My Mom lived with us during this particular time. She asked me to get out of bed and I must have rolled over and ignored her because the next thing I knew, she had the flyswatter and was beating me with it to wake up and get out of bed. Never mind that my little sister was in the bunk bed right under mine and she wasn't out of bed yet either. I grabbed the fly swatter and bent it all to heck, (it was made out of metal) I bent it to where it will never be able to be used as a flyswatter again and threw it back in my mother's face. I know that I allowed the rage I was feeling towards her show on my face because she backed down and turned away and mumbled for me to get up. 

I got up in a foul mood. Not talking. I dressed and went outside to feed the baby calves their bottles that needed to be fed.My baby sister and I did these chores together as by this time all of the other brothers and sisters were out of the house. We cleaned out their little stalls raking up poo and adding warm fresh straw for them to lay on.  We had to fill up all of their water buckets too. It was a lot of work but I really, really loved to spend time doing those things. After the baby cows were fed, there were eggs to gather, chickens to feed and water, sheep and goats to feed and water, Horses to feed and water and of coarse the dogs and cats that we had. After all that was finished I would rush into the house and wash my face and brush my teeth. I wasn't a girly girl so doing something other to my hair than brush it and put a clip in was about it. I changed and was ready for school within 10 minutes. I didn't wear any make up so that was an easy fix. 

When my mom lived with us, she would make my dad and my sister's lunch every day. On the days that she didn't live with us, It was also my job to make my dad and sister's lunch and brew my dad's coffee with one of those old peculator type that actually cook on the gas stove. I was supposed to make myself a lunch too but I felt that skipping meals would show how strong I was. I didn't need food. With my Dad and sister we'd rush out the door to school. 

Most days we missed the school bus but those were usually the days that my Mom didn't live with us and we had more to do before school in the morning. Luckily my Dad wasn't afraid to bother the bus driver along the route to school. He would pull up beside the big number 227 bus and honk and blink his headlights off and on in our little forest green pinto until the old bus Driver, Stewart, would pull over at some point of the highway and allow my sister and I to get on the bus. Thankfully that wasn't embarrassing at all right? lol. 

Well, back to this particular day with the fly swatter. I got to school and picked up all the books from my locker that were not already in my back pack and placed them there. I was a nerd. The type of nerd that carried a back pack, pencil box, extra notebook paper etc. I had a huge fear of being late to school or class..... hmmmmm wonder if it had anything to do with being so embarrassed by getting on the bus at a random piece of the road. 

As it was my senior year and I had taken all AP (advanced placement) classes since Jr. High School, Most of my senior day was easy. I had an opportunity to leave school for the day at around 10:30 or so but because I loved exercise and sports so much I stayed for PE and being a drummer I stayed for band too. That wasn't until 5th period. 

This particular day, a pretty red haired girl with freckles and kind of on the heavy side had the bad fortune to be my target for the day. During PE we got to play field hockey. I was considered by most of the teachers to be angelic, the best student, never to cause any trouble, on and on I had them all fooled. Well, the PE teacher in particular took a liking to me because I excelled in most all sports. We were playing field hockey and The pretty red haired girl whom I didn't bother to find out what her name was until years later. I just called her orgie. Orgie as in Orgasm. The reason I did this is because she laughed when she was with her team and had such a ball and her laughter made me think of that term to call her so, by the end of the first 10 minutes of play, my entire team was calling her Orgie. Not only were we calling her Orgie, I decided to hit her with my hockey stick. I was so angry inside, which doesn't make it any better at all, but I had no outlet I felt. Similar to kids now days who cut themselves. I took my hockey stick and slammed it into Orgie's shin as hard as I could. She screamed bloody murder and the PE teacher asked me what had happened and I told her she got in the way accidentally. Well Orgie was not having any of that. She was screaming and crying and pointing her finger at me and saying I did it on purpose. Well, I put on my best "angel face" and told her how sorry I was that she got hurt and it certainly was an accident. The teacher knowing that I would never cause issues for others let Orgie's friends take her up to the office nurse and we got to finish our game. We beat their team by some outrageous score. 

We went in and showered and laughed at how I got away with hitting and hurting Orgie. I have thought of Orgie over the years many, many times. I learned that her real name was Regina, A beautiful name for a beautiful red haired girl that I was a beast to. I have asked God to forgive me for being so mean in school and I know he has. I have forgiven myself now too because I know that the girl I was, was a girl in more pain than she could verbalize. The girl I was thought often about committing suicide. The girl I was never thought she was good enough or smart enough or pretty enough, she would never be "Enough". I turned the anger against other people instead of my self. I wish it were different but it is not unfortunately. 

SO, today I just want to say that if you know a bully, It doesn't make it right by any means for them to bully others. It may do  some good to know that they hate themselves, they loathe themselves and they will lash out to have other people feel the pain that they can't seem to handle, the anger that I know now IS something I can control. I no longer see red when I'm mad. I allow myself to be honest and know that nobody can make me feel bad except for me.Pray for your bully, be careful and know that I'm praying for the bully and the bullied. 

Finally, If by chance Regina is reading this someplace, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I was a real ass to you and I'm so sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart and I hope that God has blessed your life and will continue to do so.