Pain can be good!

Pain is a constant in my life. It is a very unwelcome constant but...he is there just the same. 

Growing up with a Mentally ill Mom who was in my opinion hell bent on making me an ugly person, well it wasn't easy. I think it helped to prepare me for the physical pain that I go through all the time. 

I want to say that if you asked any of my sisters what their experiences was like with my mom they would say something different. We all live in our own story. For me it was confusing, hurtful, hateful and pretty weird. 

I loved her so much! I just wanted her to love me back. I would spend every single cent I had to buy her something that smelled lovely: soap, a flower, a cheap bottle of perfume. I was only about 12 when this started. I was in Jr High school and I had Dancing classes on Tuesday's after school so it gave me about 2 hours from the end of class to "shop"for my mom before my dad would come pick me up after he got off work. The was a store right across the street from the Jr High school. It was called "Arlene's Flowers and Gifts". I was there every Tuesday with my few quarters. 

I would browse the store for those 2 hours until I was sure I spent my money on something my mother liked. I never got it right. The nice smelling soaps that I bought her were never seen again. In a tiny mobile home that was a trick and a half. The single carnation with ribbon in her favorite color always made her have a headache within the hour of giving it to her so while I was outside doing chores, she would throw it away. The funny thing about all of this is that I never asked her, Where is the soap, What happened to your flower? She would announce that she could no longer finish the dinner she was cooking because she had a headache. I assumed it was because of my flower because I saw them many times cut into tons of pieces in the trash can. 

Eventually I stopped trying to get along with my mom. I remember one time my baby sister and her were laying in my parent's room in bed snuggled together. My mom was reading one of her romance books and my baby sister was just snuggled up to her. She was about 10 at the time and I had just turned 12. I wanted so badly to get into that big parental bed and snuggle too. I got in next to my sister and tried to snuggle up. My mother asked me in one of the meanest voices that I've ever heard, "What do you want AnnMarie?" That is what she called me when she was especially angry with me. I told her that I wanted to snuggle with her and my baby sister. She said, "absolutely not, she has a bad headache and I will only make it worse." I was hurt of coarse but my go to emotion that I felt safe with has always been anger. I asked her, "why do you push me away?, Why don't you like me?" "Why can my baby sister be near you anytime you want and it is okay?" Her answer to me was simply, "She needs me and you don't". I tried to argue with her that I did need her, I did love her, didn't I bring her something every Tuesday as a token of my love. She told me to get out of her room.

Walking the short walk to the living room (it was a single wide mobile home), I welled up with tears in my eyes. They never fell. I blanked them back down. When I got into the living room my Dad was there watching some TV show and he saw that I was crying or trying not to cry. He knew for his Tom Boy daughter that something was wrong. "What's the matter Banana?" I told him my pitiful story that sounded so lame now. I wanted to cuddle with mom and baby sister. I told my Dad what my mom said and that I had asked her why she doesn't like me.  My Dad is usually in a good mood. He sees something that needs to be done and he does it. He saw that his daughter was hurting and he patted the sofa right next to him and said, "Sit down by your old dad. I want you and I love you and I need a cuddle buddy for this scary movie." He knew just what to say. Reason number 129 that he is my hero!

My mom has been gone since 1999 and prior to that time my Dad remarried. I love my Stepmom very, very much. 

Last year I was in California from the state I live in Idaho and I had an emergency due to my heart condition. We were at my Dad's house, my baby sister drove the many miles with me to go to CA to see family. I was so excited to get to see my niece get married on the beach and especially to have all of us girls (sisters) together again. It had been since 1999 that we have all been together. Well, at my Dad's house we were celebrating my Aunt's 76 birthday. She is the Aunt that can kick butt and take names. I wanted to have a party for her. We had a bar b q for her and a cake and some ice cream. The entire day pain was knocking at my door but I kept taking Nitro tablets secretly under my tongue. I didn't want pain to ruin my family day. By 6 p.m. my pain was unbearable and I was about 8 nitro's in.  I quietly asked my Dad if he could take me to the ER. I have been many times to the ER so they can hook my up to a nitro IV to get the chest pain under control. 

My Mom (stepmom but I call her mom) and my baby sister were saying goodbye to my Aunt and I guess my Dad in his fear didn't hear them say they want to come too. I got in my Dad's big Dodge truck and seat belt on we flew the 10 miles to the hospital. I mean it was like a flight. Once the staff at the ER understood that I was having chest pains they got me back there quickly. So many things happened on that trip to the ER that are funny to me I'll have to share them sometime. 

They took me back into a private curtained off area and asked me to strip from the waist down. My Dad was in the room with me. He looked at me and asked me, "do you need my help baby?" If you knew my Dad at all, that would have been absolutely horrifying for him to do. He never changed a girl's diaper including mine or my sister's. He is old school and thinks it is inappropriate. I knew it would horrify him so I told him I was fine. The two nurses were holding up my lovely hospital gown for privacy anyway. I had to go pee so bad and they were not going to let me pee unless I used a bedpan. Hell to the no was my answer to that! Icky. I mean if you have to you have to but I am ambulatory enough to use the toilet that flushes. My Dad sat beside me for hours and the pain contorted my body. I would grit my teeth trying not to make any noise. I had white knuckles from gripping the blanket too hard. My Dad pulled his chair right up to the bed and sat as close as he could. He told me to look at him in the eyes. I was afraid to do that because I didn't want to see pain or to cry myself. He told me to focus on his face and breath. I did as he said and he told me to just hang on.... to just be my stubborn self and not let go. He told me he loves me so much and too many people love me and need me to be okay. Then, he cried. Not blubbering kind of crying but two tears came rolling down his face. Down from his beautiful green eyes. I wiped his tears away and kissed his nose. 

I was admitted to that hospital and had another admittance to another hospital on my vacation a week later. But that time with my dad, that knowing how much he loves me. I will forever be thankful, yes thankful for the pain that comes upon me so often. Those are the times when I allow my emotions to be real and I know that my family and friends are showing real emotions. Those are the times when I have no control or the illusion of control that I tell myself I have. I know that the one who Created me is in control and it is He alone in control.

So, it isn't fun but I thank God for the pain and the continual vasal spasaming (pickford disease) and the onset of Renault syndrome. Without it I would never have those still quiet moments to act as Christ did. To pray for the other person laying in the hospital room with me. To pray for their body to heal and if the Lord calls either of us home, to pray for our families. I thank God for this abnormality that I was born with. It has brought healing in my mental health and closeness with my family that was not quite there yet. 

I hope if you are hurting physically or mentally, you will know that it is true in the bible where it says, "The Lord will not give you more than you can handle".

God Bless you.